Rock playlist

Every Song in the Statutory Rape Classic Rock Playlist

SEATTLE — Dr. Sharon Oldham, director of the International Musicological Association, recently concluded a year-long study and determined that every song on classic rock playlists curated by Spotify is about underage sex.

“Most of us have heard these songs all our lives, but never noticed how scary all these lyrics are,” said Dr Oldham. “We’ve reviewed hundreds of classic rock songs and they’re literally about seducing or coercing underage women into sex. Once you start paying attention to the lyrics, they become ubiquitous. And those are all the classics. Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, the Beatles… all sing about their “little gurl-childs.” In fact, I think I just threw up a bit saying that out loud.

Iconic Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant weighed in on the social climate of the ’70s when it came to dealing with minors.

“It was a different time, mate,” Plant said, while stroking a glass orb. “It’s not like we went out of our way to fuck 14 year olds, they were just given to us and we didn’t do anything to stop it or just say no. We were basically helpless to all of this. I remember a gig in 1971 where Zeppelin was booked into a private Catholic girls’ college in Derbyshire. They turned our locker room into an active shower for the lacrosse team. We lost Bonzo for three days after that. He eventually ended up on a houseboat with half of the Nancy Drew Book Club. I had to be there, I guess.

Rolling Stone editor and longtime music journalist Donny Watts has spent much of his career writing about the golden age of rock and roll.

“It’s like you can’t say what you want in song lyrics anymore thanks to cancel culture,” Watts said, “When Mick Jagger sings ‘Brown Sugar,’ of course he’s talking about ‘a young black girl, but he also points his finger at Johnny Law’s chest, saying “look, I’m not going to be bound by societal conventions or basic morality.” People are too quick to judge according to their well-meaning big horse. It was different back then. If we had the same set of rules that we have now, I would never have been able to marry my 16-year-old Filipino housekeeper.

The International Musicological Association has since identified a handful of classic rock songs for Spotify that don’t glorify statutory rape, but that’s just Rush’s entire discography.